One of the most common complaints of men in the dating scene is that they can’t find a “woman of substance” or one who is “relationship material.” Dating is easier when your standards are low and you’re wanting something casual to fill the void. If you want a woman of substance you have to be a man of substance.
I start with the don’ts because a good way to get to know her better is not to commit deal breakers right up front. Any major errors in the beginning could squash your chances for getting more time with her. There are many many don’ts, just as there are many many do’s. Here, I’ll list 10 of each.
1. Don’t complain about your ex. Talking about your ex, whether good or bad is a turn off unless she specifically asks you. If she asks you about past relationships and what went wrong, it is best to be honest what didn’t work for you and what didn’t work for her, without criticizing your ex or displaying anger. You may think women like when you hate on your exes, but the truth is, women of substance like when you are detached from prior relationships, or you are at least wise enough to know better than to vent to your new crush about them.
2. Don’t lie about the details of your life, past, present or future. A woman of substance will eventually look into anything that seems “off” about your stories. You may not be found out until a few months in, which is the worst time because you’ll be well on your way into her heart when, blam! -you get caught. You’ve broken trust and she is not having it.
If you’re used to lying and don’t consider it a big deal, you will be able to land women who are just like you. A woman of substance won’t stick around long. To avoid having these kinds of embarrassing failures, simply be self aware about what you’re saying. If you exaggerate, or catch yourself letting a little white lie roll off your tongue, the best thing to do is stop in your tracks and be honest. Say something like, “you know, I just misspoke and I remembered that sometimes when I’m joking around the other person doesn’t realize it’s a joke…” and say the honest thing. She will respect you. When you lie, you get caught, and she’ll never really respect you again
3. Don’t brag about being a great lover. Women of substance want actions not words. They don’t care about how awesome you think you are. They care about how awesome they think you are. If a man has to brag about his skills in the bedroom, she already knows he’s insecure about something.
More importantly, bragging also sets a high bar. What you think is amazing in the bedroom may not match what she is wanting out of sex. If you set the expectation that you’re a rock star, and then you fall short because of not quite knowing her body and style when you have the chance – well she may be disappointed.
4. Don’t talk about your past sex with other people. If you’re not asked, it’s best not to go there. Women of substance want a man with a clean slate. At a certain age most of us have baggage if we are single. But living in the past and bringing up past sex, whether good or bad, is a turn off to a woman who is looking for a new, fresh relationship.
Remember, she wants you to be focused on her. She wants you to be interested in her and curious about her. So if you’re talking about you, and you with other women, this is going to let her know where your mind is at. A woman of substance likes a man who has done the work on himself, is over his past, has learned from his mistakes, and is ready to move on to a new relationship.
5. Don’t play mind games or phone games. A common mistake people make when getting into the dating scene is to play mind games or text games. People do it to “hook” each other in by setting up a scenario where the other is wondering where you’re at, if you like them, or if you’re rejecting them. It’s an immature way of trying to gain power and shows an unwillingness to be real and vulnerable.
A woman of substance sees game playing as weakness. Women who are toxic or addicted to drama will play back. A woman of substance won’t play it at all. Most will call you out on it, and some will consider it a deal breaker and move on. It’s not worth the risk if you’re serious about wanting a mature woman who would be considered “relationship material” or, in other words, a woman of quality.
6. Don’t ignore her preferences when they don’t match yours. From something as small as her favorite breakfast to as big as her favorite position – do pay attention. If she likes her eggs over easy do not bring her scrambled eggs for breakfast every morning and brag about how great your scrambled eggs are. If you ignore her preferences, you don’t deserve her.
7. Don’t smother her. Nothing is worse than going too fast, except for going too fast and then playing mind games. You may want to spend the rest of your life with her after the first date, but you will have to find a balance in how to and when to communicate. Let her know you’re there and you care, but also give her space.
A woman of substance will likely have her own thing going on and the older you are the more independent single women are. She’ll want the compliments and the romance, but once the smothering starts, she’ll start second guessing how much time you’re spending together and whether or not you are needy, and how much she is willing to give of herself right up front before really knowing you.
8. Don’t get too comfortable when she starts having feelings. There’s a point at which a man knows when he’s got her interest. In today’s dating scene, that doesn’t necessarily mean after he’s had sex with her, but usually that’s about the time, if it went well, when he now knows he has a great chance of spending a lot more time with her. Don’t start being a jerk thinking you’ll play it cool so she doesn’t think you’re too eager. Again, that’s mind games.
When she starts to really like you, do not assume that she has fallen for you and therefore she’s stuck with you. Don’t say the words, “you’re stuck with me now.”
A woman of substance does not want the romance to end when the feelings begin. She doesn’t want her vulnerability to be turned into a signal that she’s agreed to a long term relationship no matter what the conditions are. When she starts having feelings, that’s go time, not fizzle out and become lazy time.
9. Don’t use money as incentive to be with you. Being generous is a virtue. It’s an attractive quality, especially to women. They respect a man who is generous to everyone, and not just to her. A woman of substance can sniff out a man who is using money as bait. She respects herself and wants to be respected. She can’t be owned and won’t be bought. So yes, gifts are great and generosity is a huge plus, when the intentions are pure and there is moderation. She will know the difference.
10. Don’t even try the Bait and Switch. Much of this list alludes to the beginning stages of this tactic. Basically, don’t make promises you know you can’t keep. Don’t tell half-stories and talk up your abilities and what you have to offer, unless you’re willing to be locked into commitment and follow through. A woman of substance will see through smoke and mirrors, will call it like she sees it and won’t be tricked by words that aren’t backed by actions. In other words, it won’t work.
1. Do respect yourself. A woman of substance will respect a man who has the respect of others and has respect for himself and others. Respecting yourself means keeping your word, having integrity, making healthy choices, and being stable. Being your best you will help you match to her best her.
2. Do compliment her. Women want to be adored. If you’re the reserved type, where complimenting a woman doesn’t come naturally, just remember, practice makes perfect. Once you start making compliments a habit, you may become addicted to it, because it has a positive result for you as well.
3. Do flirt with her. Flirting is fun. It keeps dating fresh. If she’s going out with you, she is interested enough to appreciate some fun flirty banter. Just remember not to go full speed ahead into pervert land. Stay the course. Keep it fun, innocent, and light, until you know her well enough to know how far your humor may go before offending her.
4. Do keep your word. From the first date forward, she needs to be able to trust you. If she is looking for a relationship, she is looking to build trust. If plans change let her know, as soon as possible, but if it’s frequent, she’ll get impatient. Follow through on promises. We all drop the ball sometimes but repeatedly dropping the ball will not get you the long term relationship you were hoping for.
5. Do check in with her. If you are really serious about this woman, and she has let you past the third date, it’s looking good for you. One way to win her heart is to commit to checking in with her at least twice a month, with something like, “so, how do you think we’re doing so far?” or “how am I doing so far? You can tell me if you need be to do something I’m not doing.”
6. Do let her chose the movie/restaurant/etc. at least half the time. There are women of quality who are indecisive, but even if indecisive, women who are independent and confident usually know what they don’t want. If she has you taking the lead in the beginning on choices, don’t let that make you think it’s your new role. Women want to feel respected. If she feels controlled, or like you’re ignoring her preferences, she is likely to start having doubts.
7. Do be accountable. Let her see that you can admit when you’re wrong, and that you can apologize when you are insensitive, without having to be asked. Follow your instinct, if you feel something isn’t going over well, address it when you feel it. In other words, you’ve said something harsh, you see she is visibly upset, you have about a half of a second to process this, and you interrupt the response by saying, “I’m really sorry. That came out wrong.”
When she tells you something upset her, and you realize you never felt her flich, you didn’t know anything was wrong – don’t panic, and don’t react in defense. In this case, where something has come up later, take a few minutes to process what she is upset about. Were you harsh, selfish, or insensitive? Or could something you did or said be seen as such? If you’ve given it some thought and put yourself in her shoes, and you still don’t understand why she’s upset, read do number 8.
8. Do be honest if you don’t understand how she feels or what she means, whether good or bad. In other words, don’t make assumptions if you’re not quite clear on what she’s really saying to you. Some misunderstandings can be hard to repair.
A woman wants to be understood, accepted and supported by her partner, so if she’s saying something that seems pretty complex, it’s best to ask her to simplify it. This goes back to men and women having very different communication styles. One way to make sure you understand her is by saying “…so this is what I’m hearing you say…….did I get that right?” She will respect the @%$* out of you.
9. Do write out your “deal breakers” before you start dating women in hopes to find a long term relationship. Do refer back to your list when something feels “off” for you. Remember, most connections will not end up as happily married couples, so expect some fails and don’t spend time trying to fix a deal breaker. In some cases, a man will find a quality woman but she may possess some deal breakers.
10. Do ask her what her deal breakers are upfront, and pay attention to her answers. This will help you find out if there’s anything on her list that you might need to change if you want to be with her. Do think about whether you’d be willing to change that. If she says smoking is a deal breaker, and you are a smoker, would you be willing and able to change that about yourself? Remember, we’re talking deal breaker, meaning it’s non-negotiable for the person.
Even when you meet a woman who is relationship material and she’s into you, you also have to make sure her style, her wants, her needs are in line with yours. Asking questions also shows her that you are interested in getting to know her better. You can also have an honest discussion about monogamy at this point.
Good luck out there!!
One of the best rules of dating is to treat one another with kindness and respect.